I did it. I have put myself on a diet and am cycling on a stationary bike that I borrowed. I refuse to go back to Malaysia weighing what I weigh.

The nice thing about the States is that nobody really gives a fuck about what you weigh (Unlike Malaysia where it seems beauty and weight are directly proportional with each other.) Sadly, that mentality seems to have caught on with me and I came to not care about weight either... well, not as much as I should have.

My trip back to Malaysia last December was horrible. I can still literally hear the voices of all those people telling me how "big" I have gotten in all those different languages - English, Mandarin, Hokkien, Malay, Kenyah. I have never reallly been haunted by many things in my life but this just refuses to leave me in peace. It chips away at my self esteem and almost a year later, those voices still have the power to reduce me to tears.

I am an extremely emotional eater. Negative emotions seem to act like a trigger to my stomach. It is my Everest that I intend, nay - need, to conquer.

Been watching a lot of The Simpsons too. I have never really noticed how much of a role food plays on that show until this week. Donuts, chocolates, pies, cakes, burgers, pizzas. Oh God! In my taste-forsaken state, I watch that show and memories of all those sweet foods fill my mind.

The temptation to satisfy my hyperactive sweet tooth becomes almost unbearable and I try my best to fight it. So why do I still watch that show? Because the more I fight and win over that temptation, the better I feel about myself. Unfortunately, if I fight and lose, I plunge into a deep dark pit of self pity and loathing.

But still - I need something to make me feel good about myself.