My Roommate just got engaged last week. I was - well - surprised. Probably because they have only known each other for just a few months. I know there are couples out there that got married after knowing each other for only several weeks and remained happily married for the rest of their lives but still... I just cannot wrap my head around that.

I don't know... Just the mere thought of marriage scares me for the simple fact that I am not ready for such a huge commitment. Plus, isn't 22 just a tad young? I will be turning 22 next month and I still feel and act like a 12 year old.

In fact - now that I am really thinking about the topic - I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Not to mention that with marriage comes parenthood... and that just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

I look back on my life and see how great a job my parents did at being parents. To me, it is a bar set so high that I find myself incapable and unqualified to ever reach anywhere near it.

For as long as I can remember, they have always been just... my parents. Not humans or people, like you and me, but parents. I doubt I will ever be ready for that. To be considered as a 'parent'. I have never even held a baby for longer than a minute.

In other news, I have been skipping my Monday/Wednesday classes the past two weeks (going on third week if I don't get the balls to nip this).

My weight training class is the first class of the day and everytime I think about it, I get this sort of anxiety attack. I think about how unfit I am for that class; about what others will think when they see me struggling with the tiny amount of weights I can lift; what will be going through their minds when they see me suddenly appear after being absent for so long; about how crowded it is in there with all my classmates in it; about how everyone else is probably into the groove of it and knows what to do, except me; about the 'A' in that one stupid class that I've probably thrown away because I've skipped two weeks worth of class.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you are probably going to say... There will always be the same old answers to all my problems; I hear it from Phil, I hear it from my parents, I even hear it from me. But they just don't click with me and, after hearing them so many times from so many people, they are just fucking irritating now.

And so, in a little puddle of fear, I lie in my bed Monday and Wednesday mornings willing myself to sleep so that I may sleep the fear away... which leads me to skip the class after that. Now I get the same anxieties for the class after weight training too. It all just sort of snowballed and now I am in a hole again. And I am perhaps the least educated and trained person in hole-get-outtery.