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Sunday, November 13, 2005
Life, I suppose
I was lying in bed earlier letting a torrent of various thoughts, concerns, worries, nit-picks, and other random what-have-you's wash over me.
Oh yeah... by the way, I am dropping out of college. Engineering is not my calling and for each day the past year, I had let it eat away at me mentally and emotionally.
It was a rather rude wake-up call realizing that the treasure I had been chasing after for the past three-or-so years was nothing more than fool's gold. I don't mean to imply that engineering is bad (so don't get offended if you are an engineer), it is simply not where my passion lies.
I have no clue what lies in the future for me anymore. That in itself is sort of a soul-shaker. I have never not known about my future. I have always had a vague, hazy idea of the shape of things to come. The fact that I can no longer see it (my future) is overwhelming and, at times, an almost paralysing fear.
I try to think about what is going to happen in the next year -- what events may transpire, what people I might meet along the way -- but all I see is just a big giant bucket full of nothing. Empty.
No, not empty. That sounds too negative. More like blank. Like a brand new canvas for me to paint on.
That is pretty much the main reason I am having so much trouble sleeping. The unknown.
There are so many question marks right now. Right there at the top is: What am I going to do with my life now? Do I go back to school? And if I do, what will I study? Are my parents going to disown me?
Ok, that last bit is the result of an overactive imagination but then again, I have never dropped out of college a year before graduation. And don't tell me "if it's just a year, why not just plow through it?" coz I have gone down that road and a year of low motivation and an almost complete lack of enthusiasm can make for a horrible time and bad grades.
Oh yeah... by the way, I am dropping out of college. Engineering is not my calling and for each day the past year, I had let it eat away at me mentally and emotionally.It was a rather rude wake-up call realizing that the treasure I had been chasing after for the past three-or-so years was nothing more than fool's gold. I don't mean to imply that engineering is bad (so don't get offended if you are an engineer), it is simply not where my passion lies.
I have no clue what lies in the future for me anymore. That in itself is sort of a soul-shaker. I have never not known about my future. I have always had a vague, hazy idea of the shape of things to come. The fact that I can no longer see it (my future) is overwhelming and, at times, an almost paralysing fear.
I try to think about what is going to happen in the next year -- what events may transpire, what people I might meet along the way -- but all I see is just a big giant bucket full of nothing. Empty.No, not empty. That sounds too negative. More like blank. Like a brand new canvas for me to paint on.
That is pretty much the main reason I am having so much trouble sleeping. The unknown.
There are so many question marks right now. Right there at the top is: What am I going to do with my life now? Do I go back to school? And if I do, what will I study? Are my parents going to disown me?
Ok, that last bit is the result of an overactive imagination but then again, I have never dropped out of college a year before graduation. And don't tell me "if it's just a year, why not just plow through it?" coz I have gone down that road and a year of low motivation and an almost complete lack of enthusiasm can make for a horrible time and bad grades.
posted by Salian at 18:21
4 comments
4 Comments:
If you don't want to be there, you don't want to be there...GL im whatever you choose
Thank you. Your support really means a great deal.
Even though I have no clue who you are, it is comforting to know that there is at least one person in the world who will back me up.
Even though I have no clue who you are, it is comforting to know that there is at least one person in the world who will back me up.
Ah, ah, ah ... make that *2* complete strangers that will back you up.
I'll preface everything by saying this: earning a BA or BS, just getting it over with, can be extremely rewarding. Even if you hate your major, it can be comforting to know that most people don't work in the field that their major points them to. It's possible to apply skills learned in creative and interesting ways. There are plenty of: accountants that work for UNESCO in Paris; landscape architects that beautifully design the gardens of the world's museums; linguist who make forays into espionage; etc. etc. It's an interesting world out there and there are a million and one ways to find your niche, your space, the thing you want to do.
Sidenote: Can I make a book recommendation? I read Po Bronson's "What Should I Do With My Life" a few years back and I loved it.
Okay, so having said all of that ...
Only YOU know what's best. Immediately after I graduated from undergrad, I noticed that all of my friends were either going to grad school or already had plush jobs lined up. Me? My "Plan A" panned out and I had nothing. So, I said "fuck it" and I moved to Europe. I bummed around there for quite a while until I settled into my current career. Even though it wasn't one of the most "conventional" choices in the world (and my family gave me a lot of shit about it), I think it was one of the best decisions that I've ever made.
At any rate, and whatever you decide to do: GOOD LUCK!
Stolie
PS: My opinion ... not that you asked for it ... take some time off *BUT* earn credit while doing so: get an internship abroad; move to Mexico, enroll in a language school and get credits for Spanish language; do National Student Exchange and live in another city (NEW YORK!!) for a year; sign up for Peace Corps, AmeriCorp, or Habitat for Humanity ... the world's your oyster.
I'll preface everything by saying this: earning a BA or BS, just getting it over with, can be extremely rewarding. Even if you hate your major, it can be comforting to know that most people don't work in the field that their major points them to. It's possible to apply skills learned in creative and interesting ways. There are plenty of: accountants that work for UNESCO in Paris; landscape architects that beautifully design the gardens of the world's museums; linguist who make forays into espionage; etc. etc. It's an interesting world out there and there are a million and one ways to find your niche, your space, the thing you want to do.
Sidenote: Can I make a book recommendation? I read Po Bronson's "What Should I Do With My Life" a few years back and I loved it.
Okay, so having said all of that ...
Only YOU know what's best. Immediately after I graduated from undergrad, I noticed that all of my friends were either going to grad school or already had plush jobs lined up. Me? My "Plan A" panned out and I had nothing. So, I said "fuck it" and I moved to Europe. I bummed around there for quite a while until I settled into my current career. Even though it wasn't one of the most "conventional" choices in the world (and my family gave me a lot of shit about it), I think it was one of the best decisions that I've ever made.
At any rate, and whatever you decide to do: GOOD LUCK!
Stolie
PS: My opinion ... not that you asked for it ... take some time off *BUT* earn credit while doing so: get an internship abroad; move to Mexico, enroll in a language school and get credits for Spanish language; do National Student Exchange and live in another city (NEW YORK!!) for a year; sign up for Peace Corps, AmeriCorp, or Habitat for Humanity ... the world's your oyster.
Hey stolie.
My brother graduated as a mechanical engineer and he is now working in an accounting firm as an auditor so yeah, I know at least one person who is not working in the field they graduated in.
I just cannot stand it anymore to the point where simply going to class is a huge mental burden on me, where getting up in the morning just brings my whole mood down. It's.. well.. unhealthy. So I am stepping away from it.
I have been thinking about it and may take (hopefully audit) a couple courses in Mass Communication at a local university in my hometown (to kinda dip my toes into what it could be like) while working with/for my parents. In fact, the more I think about it, the more it appeals to me.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely buy it before heading home. Books - not textbook books - in the States can often be cheaper than in Malaysia so I plan on buying however many it takes to fill my bags full.
My brother graduated as a mechanical engineer and he is now working in an accounting firm as an auditor so yeah, I know at least one person who is not working in the field they graduated in.
I just cannot stand it anymore to the point where simply going to class is a huge mental burden on me, where getting up in the morning just brings my whole mood down. It's.. well.. unhealthy. So I am stepping away from it.
I have been thinking about it and may take (hopefully audit) a couple courses in Mass Communication at a local university in my hometown (to kinda dip my toes into what it could be like) while working with/for my parents. In fact, the more I think about it, the more it appeals to me.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely buy it before heading home. Books - not textbook books - in the States can often be cheaper than in Malaysia so I plan on buying however many it takes to fill my bags full.
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- Name: Salian
- Location: Miri, Sarawak, Malaysia
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I like bright colours, running, sugar, reading, sleeping in. Chocolate is a food group. I have no clue what the future holds for me; sometimes it exhilirates me, sometimes it scares me.
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